If the person you love does something wrong all the time, perhaps the problem is not him at all.
In an article in Psychology Today, clinical psychologist Lisa Firestone says that a great many people come to couples therapy with a whole list of complaints about their partners.
And while everyone admits that there are no perfect people, the demands on the other half keep growing. Psychotherapist and relationship therapist Esther Perel captured this problem well in her interview, pointing out inflated expectations.
Esther Perel
Psychotherapist and relationship specialist
Marriage used to be an economic institution that provided a partnership for life to raise children, gain social status, inherit property, and socialize. Today we want a partner who still provides all of these things, but is also our best friend, confidant, and passionate lover. And we live twice as long.
One person can’t meet all of our needs. We easily accept that friends may have different interests from ours, give us a limited amount of time, and not be in solidarity with us in some matters.
But when it comes to the person we love, everything turns upside down. Here are seven signs that it’s time to moderate your demands on your partner.
1. You’re looking for your soul mate
No one person is 100% right for you. This myth gives false hope that you can meet the perfect partner-the one who will give everything you lack and make life happy.
Dating services only exacerbate the situation by creating the illusion of endless choice and triggering a cycle of romantic «shopping.» It is better to use religious dating apps so as not to be mistaken.
At the same time, almost all of our expectations and dreams come from past experiences. We recreate familiar patterns and try to build relationships familiar from childhood. We look for partners who will help make up for what we so badly lack.
The problem is that the real person almost always doesn’t fit the pattern. What’s more, he won’t solve your inner contradictions, won’t fill the void, and won’t turn life into a merry carnival.
To end your eternal search, you must admit that no man will be your soul mate. He can love you, bring you joy, care for you, and support you, but he won’t make up for what you lack. You alone are responsible for your happiness.
2. You twist words and provoke certain actions.
People find it difficult to build relationships different from the ones they saw as children. The pursuit of familiar stimuli can cause a person to pick on their partner, exaggerate their shortcomings, and distort words and actions.
As an example, Lisa Firestone cited the situation of her client, who hated when her husband treated her like a child and wanted more trust on his part.
Despite her demands, this woman often made mistakes that directly affected her husband. For example, offering to pick up a prescription for medication and then forgetting about it. Or failed to pay her taxes on time. When her husband got mad at her, she would respond childishly or get defensive, provoking him to talk to her like a child.
It’s worth learning to keep track of such moments. For example, think about how you behaved before your partner did something annoying, or look for reasons why you are so pissed off by this or that behavior of his.
3. You merge with your partner into one and demand the same
When first acquainted with each other, people see each other as separate and unique individuals. But later the partner’s inner world loses importance and the loved one begins to be perceived as a part of the union: «we» instead of «you» and «me.
At the same time, if you sacrifice your freedom and demand the same from your partner, feelings will dull and the relationship will lose its exciting charm. The merger will kill the personality you once fell in love with so that the person becomes boring and annoying.
If you perceive your partner only as a participant in the relationship and are not interested in what’s going on inside them, you can’t achieve understanding and maintain contact.
People often get hung up on their grievances and do not even try to look at their actions from the outside or put themselves in their partner’s shoes. They forget that the person they love has his own, separate mind, a different experience and view of the world and in his eyes, the situation may look very different.
Check to see if you perceive your partner as a separate person or if you only see him or her as part of the family. If you find the latter, try to find the person you fell in love with in him again. He’s still there, you can’t see him.
And get into a relationship.
4. You do not respect your partner’s freedom
In an intimate relationship, it becomes easier to make requests, overstep boundaries and criticize. We can force our partners to do things they don’t like or insist on attention by distracting them from their favorite activities, friends, or interests.
Most people do not do this consciously, but still, try to limit someone else’s individuality to feel safe
When a relationship narrows the space around the partners, both suffer. When the world expands, however, the relationship becomes more resilient and sustainable. It depends largely on how much people value each other’s independence.
Support your loved one’s desire to connect with friends and have their interests. By allowing each other freedom, you strengthen the relationship and become closer.
5. You expect your partner to read your mind
Many people believe that a genuinely loving person should guess all their desires and needs without words.
As a result, they get offended when their partner doesn’t call, even though they don’t warn them that it’s important. Or they get angry when the person they love doesn’t notice their bad mood, even though they haven’t said a word about the bad day.
People don’t talk about their wants and needs because it makes them feel vulnerable.
But it’s the only way to communicate to your loved ones what’s important to you and what they can do to make you comfortable in the relationship.
Train yourself to voice your desires and encourage your partner to do the same.
6. You are shifting responsibility for your well-being to your partner
Loving people care for each other and are supportive and compassionate. This is a beautiful aspect of the relationship that provides a sea of positive emotions. The key is that the process is two-way.
Firestone said that some of her clients can mope around for hours or throw tantrums like little children to get their partner to put things aside and take care of them. Such stories always end badly.
A relationship between two adults implies that they give and take equally. If one partner places responsibility for his or her own well-being on the other partner, he or she not only burdens him or her with additional concerns, but also deprives himself or herself of the opportunity to develop.
Growing inequality will breed resentment, quarrels, and mutual discontent until it puts an end to the relationship.
Consider whether you are giving and receiving equally and not demanding from your partner what you have to do yourself.
7. You’re holding on to a fantasy.
Our past and first attachment experiences determine how we will imagine relationships and what to expect from others. This internal filter prevents us from seeing the person, hiding them behind a pile of our thoughts, fears, and hopes.
The best thing you can do in a relationship is to let go of fantasies about what your partner should be like and see the real him or her.
Don’t try to blend in with him or her. Strive to build a relationship of two equal people who love and respect each other, but are separate individuals. By observing this principle, you will become more tolerant of your partner’s weaknesses and strengthen the relationship.